| “Mind and Heart; Body and Soul” by Kazroo Part 2 "HEART" Jane sat next to where John was waiting. He had his arms crossed on the table with his chin resting on top. She opened the book Kathleen had loaned her, and looked over the first illustration. "OK, John, would you like to try reading this?" He suddenly threw himself across Jane's lap, and smiled up at her. She couldn't help smiling back at that child-like distraction technique. "Come on, now. I thought you liked learning to read?" "I like being with you." He touched Jane's face with the backs of his fingers. She nervously pulled away, and got to her feet. John sprang to his feet, and walked over to where Jane stopped. John cupped Jane's face with his hand, and stroked her cheek with his thumb. Jane exhaled heavily, then with both her hands, gently pulled John's hand from her face, and held it between her hands. As Jane turned to start walking away, John continued to clasp one of her hands. He moved in close behind her and said, "Why do you stop me?" "It's too soon," she whispered back over her shoulder. "But we feel the same thing." "Come here," Jane said, leading John to the couch. She sat, and he perched on the arm, and leaned toward her. "I know you didn't like Michael very much, but I was close to him for a long time. I know he's gone, but sometimes, feelings stay around. I need time for all those feelings to make sense again. Can you understand?" Jane looked up into his eyes as she asked her question. John leaned in even closer. His intense aqua eyes locked onto Jane until she thought she'd just melt. Taking in a deep breath, and averting her eyes, she abruptly changed the topic. "We should get back to that book," she said, picking it up from where it had slithered to the floor. Jane found the page they had been on, and signaled for John to come down off the arm of the couch. Still confused about the change of topic, he tilted his head and continued to stare at Jane. "Please," Jane requested. "It's too soon," John said as he climbed down from the arm, and slowly slipped into the night. After he left, Jane just sat on the couch, holding the book, and she cried. Kathleen came out onto the jungle terrace, and found John perched on the ledge. "You're home early." John turned to her, revealing the tears streaming down his face. "What happened?" "It's too soon." "What's too soon?" "Jane and me." "Remember when I told you, you might have to wait for Jane to be ready?" "Don't want to wait. She feels what I feel." "I'm sure she does, maybe she just doesn't know her heart as easily as you do." John jumped down, and crouched in the corner. He wrapped his arms around his knees, and gave his aunt a "leave me alone" glance. Kathleen retreated into the house.
"Why did you think you had to 'save' him?" "The police thought he killed a cop, who he tried to save, by the way. His uncle wants him in a cage and declared mentally unsound. He reached out to me. How could I turn my back? No one was on his side." "The cop you mentioned, Michael, your boyfriend?" "Yes." "So quickly after his death, you were thrust into several life and death struggles. Have you had time to grieve his loss?" "I've been suspended for weeks. I've had nothing but time." "Search your mind. In these last few weeks, how often has Michael been in your thoughts?" "Almost daily." "You feel guilty about his death?" "No. It was a horrible accident, but it was no one's fault." "Tonight I'd like you to try a technique called 'directed dreaming'. Play out the events leading up to Michael's death, but you have the ability to control what happens. Don't be limited by reality - you could give Michael the ability to fly, if you so choose." "Thank-you doctor. I'll try that."
"Who knew getting the charges dropped against John was going to be the easy part," Jane muttered in the general direction of her sister as she entered her apartment. "But it was still all worth it, right?" Nicki asked. "John was worth it." "Would you like me to stay with you," Nicki asked. "No, you have plans. I'll be fine." Nicki left. Jane ate dinner for one and settled in front of the TV. She fell asleep, and found herself on the rooftop from which Michael had fallen. When the moment came, John didn't lose his grip. He pulled Michael to safety, and healed him with a touch. Michael stood, and said, "You deserve her love more than I do." Michael disappeared, and John and Jane were in John's jungle room. The moonlight was everywhere, and Jane whispered, "I'm yours." She awoke with a start. "Dr. Maloney's not hearing that version." She moved to her bedroom, and wrapped herself around a pillow. She was wide awake. The thought of falling back into that dream kept the adrenaline pumping through her system. This really wasn't the way to go into the disciplinary hearing, but that's how it was going to be. When she arrived, the adrenaline bath and fear of falling back asleep of the night before showed on Jane's face. "You look like hell." "Thanks, Sam." "Nervous about the hearing?" "Yeah, that's it." Sam didn't need to know what had really kept her awake. The proceedings were mostly a blur to Jane. She remembers Sam, her captain, and the psychologist testifying. She was more focused when a determination came down. "Detective Jane Porter, despite the serious infractions in this matter, your record has been clean previously. You keep your badge, but you must continue weekly sessions with Dr. Maloney until he deems it no longer necessary. You will be on desk duty for the next two weeks." The room cleared out, and Sam caught up to Jane. "Hey, you beat the rap." "Yeah." Jane was still in a daze. "You OK?" "I will be." "So, how goes the reading with John?" "It went." "You've given up already?" "No. We had a misunderstanding, and I've been too proud and stubborn to clear it up." "Sounds like a job for Dr. Maloney, speak of the devil," Sam mumbled. "Detective Porter," Dr. Maloney spoke. "Did you have any luck with the directed dreaming?" "As a matter of fact, I did." "Would you care to discuss it? I have an opening in 15 minutes?" "I'm not scheduled for today." "I know, but it would finish the three a weeks, and free you up until you return to work Monday." "That would be good, thank you doctor." "See you in," he checks his watch, "ten?" Jane nodded. "What's this directed dreaming?" "Sam." Jane gave him the 'you don't want to know this part of my brain' look. Upon the over-stuffed couch, Jane told the false version of her directed dream. "Michael landed on both feet. He was fine. He knew John tried to keep him from falling, and he thanked him. Does that mean anything?" "It's means you're headed down the right path. Your awake brain and your asleep brain are on the same page. It's a good thing." Sam was waiting for Jane with a cup of coffee. "Oh, thank you." "So how did it go." "It was OK until the very end." "What happened then?" "He used the phrase 'it's a good thing'. I suddenly felt like I was being analyzed by Martha Stewart. That'll teach me to fall asleep in front of the TV." "That's the only thing worse than overnight horror movies. I once dreamed I was Martha's Thanksgiving turkey after being up all night sick. Cough syrup and Martha Stewart don't mix." Jane laughed, and Sam laughed back. "Hey, see ya Monday." "Thanks, Sam, for sticking by me." "Just get some sleep. I don't want to look across a desk at you all day in sleepy mode." "They gave you the desk too?" "Nah, I took it. I didn't want another partner, even temporarily."
Jane fell into bed. No matter how much she didn't want to fall back into a dream, she was too tired to fight. She stood before John, and he emerged from his shower among the plants. His entire body glistened, and his soaked hair draped across his face. Jane didn't turn away. He led her by the hand until they both stood below the falling water. The flowing, white gown Jane was wearing disintegrated as the water touched it. As Jane was trapped by this dream she did, but didn't want, John sat outside her window on the ledge. He pressed his fingertips against the glass, and his face pained, feeling so separate from her. He wanted to touch, but feared she'd send him away. Jane holed up in her room the next day. She was beginning to see that she had been using Michael's death as a separator. She thought she should feel worse about losing him, and she felt guilty about not missing him. By nightfall, Jane had done a lot of emotional sorting. Her head was able to accept what her heart had known for months. Michael faded in her heart the moment John said hello to her. By the time Michael had died, Jane had fallen out of love with him. Jane's head and heart were on the same page now, and both read "John Clayton". |